its been so hard for me to sleep lately. i've been having bad dreams. and i only get them when im alone. its weird.

so im dreaming that im driving down this dark road. and i see flashing lights. so i stop to see whats going on. i look alil closer. and its me and sara laying there covered in blood.

i can never go back to sleep after that... i dont know....

i havent slept yet. im not tired at all. im thinking to much again. and it sucks. ive been back from the philippines for almost a week now and it still feels weird to be back. i miss it there. it was so nice and relaxing. i didnt really have to worry about anything. now im back and everything i left behind is still here waiting for me to worry and stress over. just how i left it. i thought maybe if i took some time off then things would get better or atleast they would have been alil better. but nothings really changed. im still worrying about the same things and thinking about the same things. i just need alil more time.

okay so im in baldwin park right now. came home for the day so i can go with my mom to her appointment. hopefully they have some kinda good news.

okay... sooo i guess this is time for me to vent now.

i can't stop thinking about mark. its driving me crazy. i thought i was doing fine. i was keeping myself busy. but then i started slowing my work load and it hit me. im just avoiding whats going on in my life. if i dont deal with it now im just gonna carry it with me. like i do with all the other bullshit thats happen to me the past years. so starting today im gonna concentrate on just being me. and not me and someone else. i need to stop carrying all that baggage. im gonna deal with it and move on. cus i know im always quick to forgive and but NOT quick to forget. sooo im gonna work on my forgive and forget crap. then maybe ill be able to function properly. hehe.

okay.... so i just recently started talking to this guy, alex. he's kinda tall (well everyones tall to me). white/filipino.  built. sweet. friendly. cute smile. smart (he's gonna be a nurse). ive only talked to him a few times. and we get along pretty well. ive only hung out with him once and i was drunk. hehe. he seems really cool.but i dont know if i should start anything with him cus im still hung up on my ex. i dont want him to feel like hes a rebound. even though he will be if i decide to. im just being stupid.....right? i should just go for it....right? its not like were getting married... its just talking... and maybe dinner. hehehe i dont know... we'll see what happens... 

................. i'll keep you posted